It is nothing new to say that the expat life can be a lonely one. But what exactly is expat loneliness? Is it run of the mill isolation that we just perceive through the lens of a cultural disconnect, or is it something deeper?
A recent InterNations Expat Insider survey found that while the Netherlands is a great place to work, loneliness levels are high among expats. According to the study, we struggle to settle in, and it is hard to make local friends. However, I don’t see what is unique about the Netherlands on this front. It is hard to make friends anywhere as an adult, and for us English speakers, the Netherlands is one of the easiest countries in Europe to connect with others.
Yes, the cost of living is high and looking for an apartment in Amsterdam can feel like one of Dante’s rings of inferno, but neither of those is unique to an expat. So, what is it? Why are we so lonely here?
Of course, there are a host of complicated emotions that come with moving abroad. For example, there is the guilt for leaving our loved ones. There is also a contradictory sense of resentment at the fact life has gone on without us at home. Then, there is the estrangement and unknowingness that coats your disposition when you live somewhere else.
But there is also a difference between people who move abroad but have every intention of going home, compared to those of us who intend to stay overseas. The Netherlands tends to attract more of the latter. In this case, and speaking from a purely psychological position, I would argue that our loneliness is rooted in a kind of cultural hiraeth.
What is cultural hiraeth?
Hiraeth is a Welsh word that depicts a sense of nostalgia, yearning and grief for the lost places of our past. It is a deep longing for something, especially one’s home.
I left Ireland seven years ago, and I swear I grow more Irish each time I return. I chat endlessly with the cashier in my local supermarket. I saturate my sentences with Irish words like grand or jaysus, and I regurgitate provincialisms. I am from here! I might as well scream. But, as warm as I may feel in these moments, I am always faced with that freezing cold hit of alienation when I leave the store. I know, in my heart of hearts, I am performing an Irishness I never actually felt when I lived there. Like many expats, I use a kind of cultural method acting to navigate my no-longer-belonging at home.
In these moments, my run-of-the-mill loneliness takes on an expat-specific weight. I would probably feel lonely anyway in that situation, but because of this cultural disconnect, what would be a confusing knot of unknown emotions turns tangible within that space between me and my Irish roots. This allows me to both situate and feel my emotions, for better or worse.
Okay, but how do I navigate it?
When you type ‘combat expat loneliness’ into Google, you will find tips like building a routine, joining Facebook groups or taking a language class. While these are obviously useful, try to also focus on the exciting aspects of living abroad. For example, if you don’t belong anywhere, then your home can be everywhere. Studies also show that living abroad strengthens our neuropathways (aka it can make us smarter).
You take yourself everywhere
Further, be mindful about pinning everything on the fact you live abroad. When we are struggling with negative emotions, thoughts like ‘oh I would be so happy if I wasn’t stuck here’ can start to take over. While this may be true, and perhaps it is time to go home, it could also be a sign that you’re struggling with other issues.
Or, as Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “if you feel lonely when you’re alone, then you’re in bad company”. Finding a way to be curious about our thoughts as though they were someone else’s is a great way to reduce the ache of loneliness. After all, it is called an inner dialogue for a reason.
Written by Molly Fitz